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[destenebres]

"You've reached Armand. Please leave a message." Voice | Text | Video | Action

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[theosopher]

Here. At any time. I'll be here all day and night.

[ He sends him a location via the device, which Armand could follow. If he did, it would lead him out to a clearing in the northern forest, where Alvis sat and meditated by a steadily moving stream.

It was his usual place to go when he needed to clear his head, somewhere quiet and sacrosanct. Today he wished to share it with Armand. ]

[destenebres]

[There's a small part of him that quails at the idea, but he ruthlessly squashes it. If absolutely nothing else, he does need to apologize, and Alvis deserves to hear it in person.]

Just after sunset, then. Vampires don't do terribly well in sunlight.

[theosopher]

I'll be here.

[destenebres]

[There doesn't seem to be anything left to say, so he says nothing at all.

But as soon after sunset as he can manage it, he heads out to the coordinates provided. The trip goes a bit more quickly at vampire speeds than it might at human ones; but instead of running straight into the clearing, he stops a good distance away from it and lets his feet find their human weight and tread for the rest of the walk. This way, Alvis has more than enough time to hear him coming.

He stops just inside it, not about to close the distance between them unless he's invited to - which he sincerely doubts will happen.]

[theosopher]

[ He heard the approach and opened his eyes to see who it was. It was rare that anyone stumbled upon this location uninvited, so it was nice to see that it was Armand instead of a stranger.

Alvis rose to his feet and then extended his hands to him. He gave Armand the option to come to him, to hold his hands, to bridge that gap if he wanted to - but he didn't want to push him into anything he might be uncomfortable with. ]

I'm glad to see you.

[destenebres]

[The gesture does, at least, encourage him to draw closer, though he still doesn't quite dare to take the offered hands. The way he keeps looking at them is a pretty clear sign that he wants to, but he doesn't let himself, crossing his arms over his chest instead.]

Likewise. [Particularly considering the shape he was in when Armand last saw him.]

[theosopher]

[ He could see that he wasn't ready yet, so he wasn't going to force him. Instead, he asked, his voice quiet and warm. ]

May I touch you, Armand?

[destenebres]

[He would be lying if he tried to claim he didn't want to be touched, especially by this man and perhaps especially now. And though he'd told far bigger lies for far worse reasons, in the past, he couldn't bring himself to look Alvis in the eye and say that.

Perhaps it was because he'd always had a weakness for blue-eyed men, or because he was a terribly selfish creature at heart and wanted to keep Alvis close regardless of any risk to the monk. Perhaps the very fact that Alvis still seemed to want him after what he'd done was stilling his tongue now.]

If you like. [His voice rose just slihhtly at the last, giving a questioning lilt to what should have been a firm statement. One hand twitched just slightly, as if he'd meant to gesture or reach out with it, but stopped himself.]

[theosopher]

[ His approach was slow, patient, as was the rise of his callused hands. Both rested on either side of Armand's face, skin hot, alive and healthy. ]

Do you feel that? [ He asked intimately. ] Do you see? [ His head tilted slightly, the scars of the bite present on his neck. ] I healed and I'm here, Armand, you didn't lose me.

I don't want to lose you either.

[destenebres]

[And Armand watched, looking not unlike the proverbial deer caught in headlights. When Alvis touched him, his eyes slipped shut for just a moment, every line of his face softening. Almost without his conscious direction, one hand rose to settle over Alvis'.

But the words had him opening his eyes again, and when Alvis lifted his head he couldn't help but look at the scar left by his bite, eyes long-running for a long moment as guilt settled in once more like a lead weight in his gut.

Between that and the conviction that it couldn't be this easy, it shouldn't be this easy for Alvis to forgive him, the words burst out of him before he can think them through, confused to his own ears a little pitiful.]

For the love of God, why? After what I did...

[theosopher]

[ He knew what it was like to ask a question you already had the answer to, as if were impossible to believe. Unless Armand hadn't read his text in its entirety, but he doubted that. ]

You did nothing wrong, Armand.

[ His thumb slowly smoothed along his lower lip. ]

For a Scarback, when we bleed it means redemption, forgiveness. I was the one who got lost in the beautiful feeling you were giving me. I was selfish, I frightened you, I hurt you.

Thank you for caring so much about me, for taking that journey with me, for bringing me to the hospital when I let you down, for coming here and letting me speak with you, touch you. You've given me so much, please let me give you something, my absolution.

[destenebres]

[Armand had indeed read the whole thing - more than once, even. And Alvis' behavior toward him now seemed to confirm that he'd meant what he'd written, but even so... it didn't sit right that Alvis expected no apology from him.

He didn't even seem to think Armand had done anything wrong, and that... that simply wasn't true.]

You don't need to thank me for that. [I don't deserve to be thanked for that.] I could have stopped sooner; I should have. The fault is mine, for losing control.

[theosopher]

[ His head tightly slightly as his fingers slowly traveled down Armand's neck, along his shoulders, then down his arms. He wanted his hands, but he touched them without taking them. He wanted to leave that up to the man before him.]

If we both lost control, is the fault entirely yours?

[destenebres]

[And He can't quite help but relax under the touch, just a bit, and turned his hands to take Alvis' with a small sigh.]

I suppose not. [He admitted, somewhat reluctantly.]

[theosopher]

[ Alvis' smile was slight, understanding. ]

You would make a good Scarback. You're very willing to shoulder the burden for someone else. But you don't have to, Armand. I like you, I want to be with you, to share these experiences with you, to make them good again if you'll allow me.

[destenebres]

[His eyes widened, and he found himself unable to meet Alvis' eyes for a moment. The words echoed in his head: 'you would make a good Scarback.' And as for the rest...

His eyes found Alvis' again and he nodded, twining their fingers together.]

[theosopher]

[ As their fingers twined he slowly leaned in to gently brush his lips on Armand's forehead. ]

Please, sit with me. Tell me what's on your mind?

[ He guided him to the soft grass and sat down first, with an encouraging tug of his hands to come join him. ]

I never want you to feel like you have to avoid me, or run away from me.

[destenebres]

[His eyes slipped shut for a moment at that gentle pressure, and he followed where he was led without protest, settling down beside Alvis.]

I don't, not at all. [That response came quickly enough, without the slightest hesitation. But as for what was actually on his mind...

His eyed dropped to their intertwined hands, and after a few moments, he admitted in a small voice] I was so very frightened.

[Historically, he cut himself off from that which frightened him, or even destroyed it. Here, now, he wouldn't do either even if he could - and that frightened him too.]

[theosopher]

[ It was heartbreaking, knowing that he caused this. But Alvis had to put aside his self-pity, or the urge to apologize endlessly. Words had already been said, to repeat them would be meaningless. Instead, he held his hands supportively, and nodded in understanding. ]

I was too. It was the first time since I was an initiate that I misgauged myself. Has this ever happened to you before?

[destenebres]

[Alvis had already apologized and Armand had already accepted (more because it clearly meant a great deal to Alvis than because he felt Alvis had done anything worth apologizing for). There was no need to do so again, that wasn't why he'd made that little admission.]

No. I didn't have relationships like this [He squeezed Alvis' hand gently] with humans, back home. So it... never came up.

[theosopher]

[ Well. Armand had been new to humans in this situation, and Alvis had been new to vampires. A mistake was bound to happen, wasn't it? He didn't mention it outloud, only because he didn't want to make it look like he was trying to remove responsibility. He had a feeling neither of them would accept that, so it was all about moving beyond it. ]

We learned the hard way. However you want to carry this relationship going forward, I'll do as you request. But know that I have no ill feelings towards you. It was incredible... [ Before he blacked out. ]

[destenebres]

[Perhaps such a mistake was inevitable, given the circumstances. And perhaps he ought to just be grateful that there was no lasting harm done, and that they had a chance to learn from it at all.]

I don't want that to happen again. [He can say that much with certainty, at least.] But as I said, I... don't have much experience with this sort of thing. So I wouldn't really know how to go about ensuring that it won't.

[Much as it might gall him to admit it, to cede control even in so small a way... it had to be done, if he didn't want to make the same mistake all over again.]

[theosopher]

I now know what to look out for, at least. I've never been known to repeat the same mistake, sexually. I trust that if i use my safeword, you'll stop, and I promise that I'll never forget to use it again.

[ He gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then brought it to his lips to kiss his knuckles. ]

You've taught me a valuable lesson, and in turn I'll teach you one. We'll get it right, with practice. If you want to.

[destenebres]

Of course; the moment you say the word, I'll stop. [He would have this last time, too, and he could wish that Alvis hadn't forgotten, but it wouldn't change anything.

His lips quirked briefly into a small, sweet smile at the kiss, and his fingers tightened just that little bit around Alvis' in turn.]

And I do want to.

[theosopher]

I'm glad.

[ There was a short pause as he simply gazed at his friend, then he smiled slightly. ]

Would you like to meditate with me, or go for a drink?